Root Beer vs. Dr. Pepper

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Root Beer ≠ Dr. Pepper

When I’m out to eat and ask the waiter if they have Dr. Pepper and they don’t, they say, “No, but we have root beer”  at least 98% of the time. I would love to know in what universe Dr. Pepper and Root Beer are the same thing. They don’t consist of the same flavors. The only similarity is that they are both dark. I mean, Dr. Pepper has 23 flavors. How can root beer compete with that?!

Root Beer even has the word “beer” in the name, so if you’re under 21 you probably shouldn’t be drinking it. Who knows what’s going on in there.

Dr. Pepper has the work “doctor” in the name, so if you’re sick you definitely need to be drinking it. Especially with the prices of a visit to the doctor’s office these days. A can of DP is only $1 at the gas station. Problem solved. This is probably why I don’t get sick as much. It’s all that DP I’ve been drinking.

For all of these reasons I would like to advise all restaurant employees to stop suggesting Root Beer when there is not Dr. Pepper available. That’s like saying “Oh, we don’t have ketchup, but here’s some dog doo-doo to rub on your burger.”

Root Beer can’t compete with Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper is infinitely better than root beer. Amen.

Dr. Pepper is not better than Cherry Coke, though.

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